Hello. My name is Chase Will, and I suffer from depression and anxiety.
I’ve struggled with these things for most of my life, I take medication for them, and I’m in therapy for them. Uncomfortable yet? Has a hush fallen over the crowd due to the taboo nature of talking about such personal things? Good. In an effort to bring more awareness to the topic and bring to light an issue that means a lot to me, I’ve decided to talk candidly on the topic.
I’ve been hesitant to talk about these things for a few reasons. First, I’ve heard it said many times, “People don’t like people who talk about their feelings too much.” Well…fuck those people. “Man up” seems to be another typical response to talking about depression, or, “Oh, great, another sensitive snowflake.” Well, I’m too old to care about these responses and, frankly, I don’t make time for dwelling on them.
I’ve seen several of my online friends posting openly about their various struggles with anxiety and depression, and I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences. I’ve written about anxiety and depression a lot in my book Moving Through, and though the experiences of the main character don’t necessarily reflect reality, much of the book is very personal to me, and sharing it with the world was a bit like standing naked before a crowd. It’s not a comfortable topic, I know, and it’s often portrayed in pop culture as something it isn’t (i.e., “spazzing out,” crying nonstop all day every day, or having a panic attack at the slightest provocation.) In some ways, the media has helped us understand depression and anxiety, and it’s brought some well-earned visibility to the topic. In other ways, however, it’s turned the topic into a bit of a joke, and it’s made it harder for people suffering to be open about what they’re going through
This isn’t a “poor me” post, nor am I under the impression I’m the only one experiencing these things. My purpose in writing this post is to help others understand what depression and anxiety really are and how they affect daily life. I also hope this post helps others suffering from depression and anxiety realize they’re not alone, and that there are plenty of people out there who can relate to what they’re going through. This also isn’t by any stretch of the imagination an academic paper or an essay from a professional (regardless of how much experience I have pertaining to the topic), so don’t take everything I have to say as definitive. Depression and anxiety vary from person to person, and I can only speak from my own experiences.
So, here it goes…
First and foremost, having clinical depression isn’t just “being sad all the time.” I know many outgoing people with happy lives who suffer from depression and find ways to mask it, especially when they’re around friends and family. Sadness is something we feel, but depression is something that lives inside us. It’s an unwelcome guest that refuses to leave. It’s the proverbial demon on our shoulder whispering in our ear that nothing’s going to be okay, or that we’ll never be “good enough.” It’s a part of the people who suffer from it, and it manifests in a myriad of ways. That’s not to say all people with depression are born with it; many people suffer from depression due to events in their lives, such as the loss of a family member, moving far away from family where they don’t know anybody, or experiencing traumatic events such as physical or emotional abuse. Regardless of why a person has depression, it’s equally valid from case to case and it often requires a lot of hard work to battle it.
Dealing with depression is not a matter of just “manning up” or “just smiling through it.” Battling depression sometimes eats up an entire day. This is something I really wish more people understood. I’ve had well-meaning friends and family members say things like “try to remember, there’s always someone who has it worse than you do” or, my favorite, “don’t be a pussy.” I’m sure these people don’t mean any harm, and their heart is often in the right place, regardless of their inability or unwillingness to look objectively at the issue.
Depression and anxiety can often trigger a downward spiral that’s hard to escape. For example, many people suffering depression or anxiety have troubles pertaining to sleep. Sometimes this means not being able to sleep for days on end due to a pressure to accomplish various tasks or goals, and it feels like toxic thoughts are cracking a whip in your mind and shouting at you to do more, no matter how much you’ve already accomplished in a day. It’s never enough, and the goal post gets pushed further and further back due to unrealistic expectations. Conversely, this can also mean trouble getting out of bed for an extended period of time due to a feeling of hopelessness and thoughts of “why bother?” I’ve experienced both symptoms at various points in my life, and neither one is fun.
So, when this happens, we feel shame about our inability to have a healthy sleep schedule, and we compare ourselves to others to an endless degree and wonder why we’re “broken” and unable to be “normal” when it comes to sleeping and other basic human functions. This triggers a series of other unpleasant events in our lives, such as an inability to work at our jobs to the best of our ability, or feeling constant fatigue, or, in some cases, a lack of appetite and a loss of interest in the things that once made us happy. All we crave is a regular sleep schedule and the energy to get by, and it sucks.
These things can also manifest physically. When suffering from depression or anxiety, you can sometimes feel a weight on your chest that makes it hard to breathe. It can alter the amount of tension in your body, it can give you migraines, and it can make you throw up from stress.
It also takes a toll on your social life. You wonder if you’re contacting your friends too much or not enough. You overthink every text message you send. You have an urge to apologize without reason, even if you’ve done nothing wrong. You think of all the reasons everyone secretly resents you, looks down on you, or wishes you weren’t around. You self-isolate because the pressure of being around other people fills you with dread, and you’re so sure you’re going to say the wrong thing or “act strangely” that you avoid socializing altogether. Again, this causes a downward spiral that never seems to end, and it leads to further ruminations about your inability to be “normal.” Personally, I’ve lost friendships and other relationships due to my depression and anxiety (prior to seeking help), and these losses also take a toll. I’m certain I’m not the only one who’s been through this.
So what do you do if you think you’re depressed? Do you give in and suffer in silence, not wanting to be a burden on anyone else? Do you self-medicate with drugs and alcohol? I’ve done these things in the past (I particularly have a penchant for alcohol, which is nothing more than a poisonous Band-aid that seems to help less and less each time). I can tell you without hesitation that none of these things are the answer.
If you think you’re depressed, I recommend seeing a doctor and talking openly about what you’re going through. A doctor’s job isn’t to judge, and not all of them will hurl pills at you and send you along your not-so-merry way. A doctor can recommend good therapists that specialize in treating what you’re facing, and seeing a therapist is an important step in being able to live happily. In fact, I’d recommend talk therapy, whether it be virtual (BetterHelp) or in-person, to almost anyone. It helps.
In my experience, it also helps to develop a daily routine that includes getting out into the world and making time for hobbies. Set an alarm, even if you know you’ll hit the snooze button a few times. Plan your meals, even if you can only stomach a small amount of food. Do something physical every day, even if it’s just walking once around the block with your headphones in. Writing helps a lot, especially imaginative writing, because it forces you to get out of your own head for a short period of time and focus on something tangible, and it fosters a feeling of accomplishment.
It also helps to share the burden with others that you trust. If you have close friends, don’t be afraid to lean on them when depression and anxiety are pushing you to your limits. If they can’t help you carry the load, or if they judge you for “oversharing,” they probably aren’t very good friends anyway, and you can write them off.
Additionally, give yourself permission to do things like binge-watch your favorite TV show, listen to songs that make you happy on repeat, or spend a day reading a book that you’ve already read. You’re human, and finding the small things that make you happy is an integral part of that, even if others don’t understand these things.
It’s also important to remember: it’s a process. There’s no miracle cure or pill that will instantly make you feel better. Embrace the process, not perfection. Celebrate your various accomplishments, even if those accomplishments are merely getting out of bed on time and making it through another day of work. Hell, you should even feel happy about the small routine accomplishments like brushing your teeth, showering, or taking care of yourself in general. Don’t give in to self-judgement for celebrating the small things.
You’re not alone in any of this, and you don’t have to carry it all on your own shoulders. You’re not weak for taking time for self-care, nor are you “broken.” We’re all in this together, so let’s lean on each other a bit more.
Chase Will 